How to : Get an Inter IIT Certificate.

“Fundebaaz fuccha” was what one senior had remarked after a “casual conversation” with me in my first-year. Somehow, in spite of my repeated attempts, the name never stuck. But that still does not stop me from trying to dispense unasked for advice to anyone willing to listen to my rants.
So today ladies and gentlemen, Tillu baba (Cheesy, I know) shall tell you how you can get an Inter IIT certificate. We all know why we need the certificate. Unless you've been living on Jupiter for the last few years, you might have heard of Schlumberger (The oil giant, which commands as much respect in the corporate world as my dhobi does in mine). This company happens to pay loadsamoney to a few lucky people every year to sit around and do very little. Now, I am sure you like earning money for free as much as I do, but there is a problem. Folks selected by Schlum can be classified into the following broad categories :
a. Inter IIT certificate holder
b. Female (Note my earlier usage of the word “broad”)
Most of us cannot afford a botched up sex change operation (which is the least you have to do to convince the Schlum recruiters that you are a girl studying at an IIT). Is it any surprise then that I expect this post to become a real hit.

HOW TO GET AN INTER IIT CERTIFICATE

STEP 1 : Choosing the right sport.
This is crucial. The sports board at IIT Guwahati claims to offer you several choices in the matter, but do not be misled into believing mere talent and hard work will get you into any team. For example, in cricket, you need to be lobby-mates with the team's best batsman to merely stand a chance (Right Mr. Nagori?). For basketball, you should not be even remotely good looking, as the secretary is extremely protective about his position as the head-coach of the girl's team. The football team will take you along irrespective of how you play, but since certificates are available only for the best 16 players, you have very little chance of getting one (unless your captain and secy decides to shoot himself in the foot by trying to be a smart-ass. Rishabh “DISCO” Dev - are you listening?). Badminton is even more difficult, as the secretary will not take you unless you wear blinkers when around his (very cute) girlfriend. The table-tennis and athletics teams are too good to crack. Using the process of elimination**, we are left with Hockey.
** people who doubt the scientific veracity of the process of elimination should never harbor hopes of clearing any competitive exam having multiple-choice questions.

STEP 2 : Getting into the Hockey team.
The general perception is that getting into the hockey team is a piece of cake. For once, general perception is not too wide of the mark. Some would say you need to be regular to practice, learn the game diligently, and you will soon become a competent player as hockey is not a very difficult game to master. This is the longer nerdier way. As your guru (Tillu baba remember?), I have several cooler alternatives. The hockey squad has several open slots for specific personality types.

1.The captain of the team. He should obviously lead by example. The example he must set is that of a lazy bum who will not run if his life depends upon it. He should be a fantastic motivational speaker, well versed in certain choice words of the Hindi language. He need not do anything more, as 5 minutes into every game, he shall ask to be substituted because he is too tired to continue. An ability to dribble in circles around the middle line is extremely desirable. Of course, every once in a while, he is allowed to make the mistake of dribbling past three players, but he must redeem himself immediately by losing possession to the fourth just when his team-mates have covered a lot of ground to provide him support.

2.The insufferable-know-it-all. He should never practice what he preaches.(“Tu pass kiya kar taaki main dribble karke goal maar sakoo!”) His individual spirit should be married to a lack of talent so obvious that team-mates start running to defensive positions as soon as he gets the ball. He should also give the team's coach lessons on how to coach. When the extremely offended coach chucks him out of the team, he must claim that the secy is conspiring against him. His sole purpose in the team is to make people realise how lucky they are not to be like him. This fellow unites the team (against him).They say there is no stronger bond than the one between those that have suffered (his company) together. And team-unity wins games.

3. The roadrunner. Also known as the headless chicken. Like a thoroughbred, this fella was born to run. It does not matter where he goes, it does not matter whether he has the ball. He is programmed to execute the same loop over and over again. Wait for ball at half-line --- Run in a straight line towards goal --- Shoot --- Run back to halfway line ---- Repeat Step 1.

4.The loud mouthed goalie. The most important ingredient of a successful team. His roar should be louder than that of an African lion, and he should not limit himself to hysterically screaming at his teammates – the officials and the other team are fair game as well. Apart from providing comic relief to the spectators and increasing the global appeal of hockey by making it more entertaining, the goalie also ensures that the defence is scared shitless to go forward, with the opposing team invited to lay siege to our goal. This ensures a goal-glut (albeit with us at the receiving end of a resounding defeat. But then the crowd's entertainment is more important than mundane matters such as winning and losing). Like the captain, he must also have a command over the nuances of swearing in Hindi. Must look intimidating.

5.The sardar. A hockey team cannot be taken seriously unless it has a surd in its line up. Period.

6.The token South Indian – To avoid allegations of regionalism. Its also politically correct and expresses our support to the “kick racism out of hockey” campaign. The South Indian guy should have a PhD, and (like the token black guy in every Hollywood chick-flick) should occasionally scream something with a funny accent no one understands.

7.The murderer. Blessed with an upper body Tyson would envy, this is the person who will make his team feel like real men. (Real men play sports where there is a finite non-zero probability of getting murdered.) His upper body would empower him to hit balls with the speed of sound, and God bless the souls of those who manage to get anything other than a stick in the ball's way. Without such men, we will have no scars to show off to our wives and children. These men are the ones who create (or in the case of a hit to the head, destroy) memories.

If you cannot identify yourself with any of the above mentioned personality types, you have just one option left – join that really cool academy Batman joined before he became erm... you know... Batman! Learn some martial arts, and then kick ass till you are one of the top 16 hockey players in IIT Guwahati. (How imaginative, eh?)

STEP 3 (Optional): Getting out of the Inter IIT team without being called a mercenary prick who just plays for a certificate.
Still working on it. Have had limited success. Limited success is defined as team-mates having stopped calling the subject under test (me) a selfish bastard to his face.

Follow these 3 easy steps, and the Schlum job should be yours to lose. And forget thee not my guru-dakshina. All I demand (nay request) in return for career-making advice is a fried maggi. Just leave it outside my room the way babies are abandoned at orphanages. I swear I'll take good care of it.